There is never a dull moment…

02/07/16

Dear Diary,

I watched few days ago match the Poland vs Portugal. There was lots of passion and competitiveness but results are always sad for one side.. Polish team got very disappointed. I felt sorry for them. Well, LIFE IS ACTUALLY LIKE A GAME.

In the last while life has been busy lots of things have happened since last time. Last 12 days were days with struggle. Struggle because I’m silly 🤣 sometimes but not always…ha ha but also because May. His struggles are mine too. It reflects on me and our family.

To start off with I began to start feeling great after my surgery so I decide to go for a jog with less then two weeks after my operation. Doctor recommended to rest for at least 6 week. So here I am silly me. Never mind I felt great till the next morning. Then I got very sore and noticed that one of my stitches had burst. That didn’t sound and look good. I managed to keep going for about 7 days like that, hoping that it will get better.. I had to go back to hospital and get antibiotic and Steri-strips. I wasn’t really worrying about myself. I know that I will be. Kay is always OK

I was more worried that May wasn’t in good a humour. I think his overdo at the marathon was giving him a hard time. His body or head must have given him a pain. I still don’t know.. don’t understand depression, how it works or how to prevent it. If I knew I would be the happiest person in this world. He acted as if he was absent. His body was with us but he was in his own Wonderland. I don’t like when he is like that. I don’t know even how to describe all this. I have millions of thoughts about how to help him but  last few days I didn’t want to do anything, I was hoping that things will pass like dark clouds. But they didn’t

“What’s wrong, it’s not like me” I said to myself, usually I’m strong physically and mentally.

Actually I had a conversation with someone today.. we talked about sickness.. She was telling me about her cancer.. well my heart went for her. Then she asked me strangely about very unexpected thing and for the end  told me that I’m resilient.. so weird that a total stranger say something like that.. I’m still in shock.

But 2 days ago even resilience wouldn’t help me. I felt like my body was giving in.. like there is no better tomorrow.. I don’t get those day.. I don’t get those feelings. Very strange experience for me. But I didn’t give in…

I get up Wednesday morning with attitude that I will have great day, no matter what… and I did. I worked in the morning for a bit. In the afternoon I went to see my friend K. I didn’t see him for a while as I thought I can control things. At that stage I couldn’t anymore. I thought “I need a doctor and get some help for myself or stay home and get crazy or go to K” decide to go to see K.

K know when I come things are not good. He asks about things directly and then helps. Most of the time big help for me is just to talk to him. He knows my story… I always ask about help for me as I have a feeling that I’m in fault..

For some reason when I come out from visiting him I don’t think that anymore. I’m always amazed how good and positive energy can make you feel better. Surly like every other time I came out with remedies not for me but May I think K like May so he wants to help him.

I know that’s so wrong but I don’t think about better time’s as every time we have a better one it then becomes bad again. They say” When it rains, it pours ” and this is so true.

I will try to explain why I don’t believe that things get better.. For things to get better… May must work on it. But he won’t. He knows that he suffers from depression but I don’t think he ever research it. Truly I don’t think he ever thought about it. I don’t think that he can recognise the symptoms of his depression and that’s why he can not control it. I think…

Me and Jay even learn and we are well able to catch up signals but May doesn’t.

Sadly we can’t do a thing and May won’t do a thing.

Like I said earlier I’m always the one in fault.. nothing new for me. But very draining  to hear this every day.. he keep saying  to me “no matter how good I do things I don’t do them right..” or ” I do so much and you don’t see those things”

I do see them, I do appreciate but in his opinion I don’t. So there is tension building up and I’m usually very calm and it’s very hard to make me mad but he does. It’s sad… I never knew that my life would be like that..

Once in my life, which was 3 year ago (just after doing my first semester in college) I black mail May and said that if he won’t go for help I will leave and I did. It worked, he did go.

He didn’t believe me that he is sick. He didn’t believe the doctor either. But he didn’t have a choice. He had at times clear spells and deep down he  knew that all this was for real this time. I did threat him lots of times before but this time I was so firm about it. I wasn’t joking. He knew. Taking  antidepressant for few weeks made a small difference for him. He also got to do sport’s as promised.  While he was on tablets things where good. Soon tablets were over he was back to square one. And last three years were just like that… like on a swing.

Talking about resilience, I surly must have one. I’m so thankful that I either was born with it or I gained it. Without one I wouldn’t have survived. I believe that depression takes a lot of energy from a sick person but also makes a massive impact on their family and relationships. Sadly the relationship me and May had it died. We are in relationship now but on different rules. I said at the beginning that trust and respect are the most important things. Respect is still there but once trust is gone things never be the same.

I will be probably will be talking over and back about these kind of thoughts as I’m hoping that one day I will get a good idea or good point where I will be to look at all this situation and say “Well.. it was worth all of this stress, lots of tears and worries to be able to see a happy end ”

This thought keeps  me alive.. LIFE IS WORTH ALL OF THAT.

Love, Kay ❤ xx

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