Colour Red

Dear Dairy,

16/07/2018

Nearly a month since I sit and write. I miss it but no time… Life has been mad… Mad in every possible way. Mad as never has been before. I do so much more thinking now than I ever done in my life.

Ha… I know that sound crazy… As I am natural thinker along with connection of heart and gut but I don’t think I never use them all together in that sense. Now I am. The results are unbelievable. I keep the brows raised and open my eyes wider and I’m amazed with myself. I never knew that I can think and do things like that. Very hard to explain but I’ll try…

I’m tune in with my inner self and that give me sense of powers. As I said before my super powers are back and they are in the present moment.

I’ll tell you a story… Story of last few weeks. I’ll start from recent days and continue to last month if I can get that far.

Thursday afternoon I got text from girl I used to hang out with years ago. Story behind is that we had great time with each other but some day we stopped meeting… just like that. I was sad but life needed to roll on… I thought…

I’m so used it people enter in and out of my life but only now I appreciate that more. Some of them teach me great things some of them give me reason to reflect and think.

So… Clara is my return friend name… She texted me and asked me to join her and her other friend which is my long time known girl. Me and her know each other for 10 years but in those years never went out together. By the way her name is Otty. I didn’t really know that Clara and Otty are friends… Nice surprise! So I got text from Clara and surprisingly missed call from Otty… both of them were on about the same thing… meeting on Friday night. And I said yes, even without an idea where we were going and what we were doing! All I knew was to wear something red.

That afternoon I heard news about my “Big Boss” leaving party… same night as girls night… typical thing for me… decision to make… but there was no doubt that I’m going with girls but surly I wanted to go and meet my colleagues from my new work place and the fact I wasn’t out in years. Yes, I know that’s so mad! I don’t even know how this is possible… Yes it is possible if you lock yourself in cage. Cage open now and I’m out. Sense of freedom it’s scary for me but I try not think too much about that.

So I planned that I will go with girls and will try to meet my work gang later. I was very excited and nervous for Friday night. What will it be like? What to expect?

Off we went… the place where we arrived was mysterious and breathtaking.

I have lately lots of those breathtaking moments. I waited patiently so now I’m receiving good things in life.

Whole experience of it was to gather and have fun. Just ladies no men. Theme of meeting is always to wear something Red. We all brought food to share. After few hours of fun we all had supper and chats. I’ll tell you what I felt. This experience reminded me and brought me back to my childhood with Gran where I was myself and happy where I was. Nature and peace where in present, surrounded with strangers but not feeling this way. I know sound mad. Not everyone can understand and share this experience. I loved every minute spent there and surly I will be back. After supper we headed home.

I got home and texted work colleague… No reply… I thought… “Will I go… ” Well, I put my hair up and went. My heart was racing… I wasn’t sure if that’s what I should do. My first thought was… “Where will I find them?” Then next came “I go to the new pub and if they not there I will have 7up drink and go home ” So, that was the plan. I came out of the car. I thought I heard one of lads from work… Then I stopped… I freaked out… I didn’t want to go. I pushed myself by thinking…” Go for few minutes only… that’s all.” Went!! Got great welcome.

I was at ease and felt myself. We moved to different pub with music. I feel like I don’t know how to do pleasure things anymore. I don’t know any more how to dance… I didn’t do since my teens but I cared less and really enjoyed every moment of it. At the end of night I walked home. I had time to reflect on last few weeks.

Shakespeare say: “There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

I’m thinking a lot lately. I’m doing reflective thinking. Where’s that lead me to so … Some things I’m so happy about and some not so much. I have a fear about how and where my life will go to?! I know change is coming… but where this will bring me to??

Massive changes are on the way for sure and with that life changes decision making is necessary.

“What you are afraid of to do is a clear indication of next thing you need to do!” – Ralph Woldo Emerson

These are right words…

I need to change things in life and I start to do it slowly as thinking and actions influence each other so I feel that they will have massive impact on my later on life. The way we all think could be helpful or harmful… When I make change or choice that will create new opportunity but will affect how and what I feel and act but I feel that nothing around me has any meaning except the meaningful thoughts.

I feel right now that if I change the way I think I will change my life. Surly my actions will change whole dynamic especially my life and home so I need to be well prepared for it.

Thinking involves many different processes and is visual as well as verbal. I always liked to observe and think… mainly without commenting but at times I use my skills to help situation. I noticed that this work great when someone really wanted change, not only pretend. I know that really well! I seen and heard million times… “I will change” No change in 20 years. Some people will never change!

To gain happiness and fulfilment we all need to work on our thinking skills and we’re personally responsive for thinking and choices we make. At time I’m not happy of what I say or do but in last few months I listen way more to my intuition and things are much better than ever before. I’m more happier and relaxed as I hear my own inner voice. Thinking skills are very helpful when we face with problem. Currently I’m facing dilemma and I try as much as possible to make right choice and choose right decision but the situation is still not clear and very difficult.

Effective and independent thinking can require courage. Courage is what I need!

They say… your life is a result of choices you make. If you don’t like your life, it’s time to make better choices.

I know that but is very hard to change something after many years and keeping everyone happy. Anyways my belief is that the secret of happiness is letting every situation be what it is instead of what you think should be, for now I’m doing only baby steps. I know that I’m not what happened to me, I’m finding my old me and I’m what I choose to become and I understand deeply that life experience and mistakes are great teachers. I learn quite a lot from my historical field.

Lately I got confidence to start asking uncomfortable questions and I am very surprised how I’m getting on around my answers..

I never pretend to know more than I do as I done that in the past and results were not so good. I treat people like I would like to be treated. I don’t build my life on judgment and ignorance. Those have opposite effect to what’s planed. So, when I don’t know something, admit it as quickly as possible and immediately take action of asking a question. That’s how I learn.

As I am learning about something I ask myself what kind of knowledge do I have and what more do I need to know make the new idea clear, intuitive, and natural. I feel that’s the best way to go… natural and intuitive .. Is simple go with the flow… As I always do!

I feel that we cannot discover everything on our own, we need to use ideas from research and improve it to suit us.

Change, change, change is good. Give life movement and liveliness change involve learning and is a life long journey.

I learn lately that critical thinking involve creative thinking, re-selection and adaption to situation. I start to apply that in to my life. I began to see small changes and some results.

Love Kay ❤️ Xx

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