The meaning of love

Dear Dairy,

01/09/18

I know that may sound mad that I talk over and over and back about love but the truth is that love is everyting. Every human in the earth will have diffrent definition of love.

There is few books that came my way in last two weeks. Accident.. no, things don’t happen by accident.

Very recently I read one of them and started other one. These books weren’t a plan on my collage list, two of the books were in Polish… Don’t even remember when I read in Polish. These books sound like I wouldn’t go for it but Otty handed to me with explanation “You will undestand these books, this is what happend or is happening to you” Wow… Her soft voice and kindness in the eyes made me calm. I need calmness right now. I’m in change and its hard to deal with it. She has passion for life. She is wise and have life experiences. She read tones of books, shes that kind of girl with a lot of intellect.

Few weeks ago Otty and I got invited to Clara’s house. I have to mention that… Lots of first times I am experiencing right now! So, went to her for the day and night. Great company, fantastic food and nothing unusual for me… 22hours talk non-stop…

That day I got upset by them when they pointed to me something that was my sore spot. I thank them for what was said but didn’t fully think and explore that point. All this was about my college, my qualification and who I am and where I am in this moment. Now after reading those books, make more clear sense. Thank you girls for that weekend.

Awareness by Anthony de Mello it is a breathtaking book but surly not for everyone! I heard that this book was very controversial book years back. The content is so interesting but very hard to explain. I love that kind of books! I loose myself in them!

By reading all this I figure out that I have started or even more then that… I’m going through process… Process of loving myself unconditionally no matter of what and who is around or influence me. Wow, acceptance plays huge role, role that we very often forget to include in our life’s. To accept “I” it’s the hardest job in life. Before, I done things differently and I have to say it didn’t work quite well! Now I’m not push things though. You will simply go with the flow… I never force things to change I let them to be they way they are. No control over is best thing ever. Gives joys and new experiences. Wow, how beautiful is that. Love is not what it is said, or what’s seen. Actions are what matter, not words.

When I was a little girl I got hurt by love once so I closed my heart for everyone. I promise myself that I won’t get hurt again. I use to live believing that no one loves me. All my life I was ashamed for who I am and that they didn’t won’t me for who I am. I thought that lack of my biological father had effect on it. I believed that I wasn’t smart. That I wasn’t slim but fat. All that and more was projected to me by my loved ones and authorities who should have helped me and not hurt me. Now I know that I’m not what happend to me. Now after years of working on myself I am myself. I love myself… my body, my smile, my craziness and the way I act. Now I can cry not like year ago I had to pull back and show that I’m strong. I used to feel that I need to stay in a toxic relationships with others but thank God not anymore. There is lot of people who are afraid to admit and talk about similar situations or past experiences but once it’s done, it’s done. Healing process is started and no need to go back or there is no fear to go back.

This year 2018 is very special Year for me. All kinds of miracles have happened. First time in my life I was looking forward to my birthday. It was the best day of my life and so meaningful. I got to be born again… I got to be me. A real me! I decide that I have chance to be me and I will be happy with myself no matter what. I will have me. I trust myself, I respect myself and mainly I love myself the way I am.

Everone deserve love and dream life but do we get it? Do we take it! Do we do it! This question is very individual one.

My life is great, full of happiness, happier than ever before. I get sad and cry but it’s alright to feel like that. I got to feel love and understand that happiness is in everything and everywhere … I look around, I look at nature, I look how grass is growing, how I can’t sing but still try to do it or feel the rain on my skin and don’t want to go home or broken nail so I have excuse to go and get it freshly done again. This how I look at things every day. I enjoy every little moment and waiting for more and more to come.

Love is difficult to find for sure but once I understood that love need to begin inside I start to change. To love others, I learned to love myself first. I fall in love with all my imperfections and I can reflect now on how I allowed others to treat me because I didn’t love myself enough. I didn’t understand meaning of love properly. I had and still have dark moments in my life but now it’s different becouse have people who love me for who I am and what I do. I’m very emotional right now. In last few weeks I realise that I got to the darkest places of my life and I transformed them to be the happiest one. I lost my husband but found a friend. I lost my old mum but found very new one, I look for my dad all my life and I found answer to that, I lost my old me but found very happy “l”

Life is so unexpected.

Sometimes we have to wait most of our life to find importance and meaning of special day and moment… patience and persistence helped to get there!

“So, love yourself unconditionally and accept all of your failures, mistakes, and weakness. Self-love is the key!”

Dream your dreams!

Love Kay ❤️ Xx

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