Big stuff

Dear Dairy,

04/09/18

Things sound sometimes harder than they are… Look at them… Face them and get over them!
Madness…. I am on sick leave from work. First time in my life!! I had back surgery done few weeks ago. Surgery was done on my birthday and exactly three years after accident I was in and got hurt. All this was very meaningful for me. One day I will say more about it.
I knew that I have to rest and relax. I thought that will be the best idea and fun.

I can’t do it! It’s so hard. Firstly I can’t sit down on my bottom, Secondly my headspace is not good. I was trying to say to myself… “You will be fine, you will have a lot of time to read and write, you will have time to catch up with others, you will have time to get rest and reflect, you simply will do nothing and enjoy that moment”
Wow, Wow, Wow I done all this in the last four weeks and guess what… it was torture.

I know, it’s mad to hear that! I can’t believe I said that either. I got support from love once and people called over with get well wishes. I was so happy but still I am missing my routine, I miss work, I miss being busy, and doing something. Doing nothing is not my cup of tea.
Inside me there is a bit of a workaholic or maybe even more than a bit. I don’t know that for sure and I’m confused. Maybe workaholism was my escape from been unhappy on other fields and this break is a detox for me.
I am experiencing some kind of withdrawal for sure but also I feel that I’m preparing myself for new things, new opportunities, new life that I was offered. I took that offer so lets do it.

My undestanding of workaholics are that usually those people are people of success or people with a career. They are often a victim of their perfectionism and most likely don’t feel enough satisfaction from reaching the goal “the peak” and they can’t enjoy their achievements fully so they continue on and get in to the wheel. It’s very hard to jump off the wheel but not impossible. I know that for a fact. With help and self work things always get better. Comparing workaholism to alcoholism my view point is that workaholism is pressure of responsibility, while alcoholism an escape from it.

I’m not extremely a bad case… (I am smiling saying that) I’m aware that work play huge role in my life and I will work on it to change it for better. Less work and do more fun!

When I went to my new workplace someone ask me “Why do you want to do this job? What for you doing that? ” I asked back “Doing what? ” so, in answer I got “Doing two jobs! Are you escaping from home or other job? ” my answer to that was “Oh no! I want to try something different ” and you know what… Yes it is the answer to all of those!

I was escaping from my private life, I was escaping from my own salon but mainly I was escaping from me! I was afraid to spend time with myself. Why? Because I never had “me” time. All my life I focused on someone else’s life. That was my role. This is the way I was thought to be. I’m naturally born carer too so helping is my attitude.
So, before my operation I worked hard and long hours. I got unmet needs met. I was happy, I was in a lot of physical pain but I didn’t feel that, work took over and most important my head and heart where fullfill. Working a lot did suit me. I felt great. I looked good.

Hmm… Now when I stoped I relised that working too much didn’t help my back. I live and learn. Well, took me long time to get to the point and for sure I reflect and get morals out of the situation. Old ways were the most comfortabe ways, untill now.

I’m very uncomfortable with myself in away of sitting at home and doing nothing. I have too much time in my hands and can’t use it properly in my opinion. I hear that is good to have rest but not for person like me.
I’m working on it and I hope that all the changes I made in my life will help me to get balance back. I already got a lot of inner peace and balance. It’s not easy and challenging most times. As I said before I like challenge so I go with the flow.

I’m on my way to recovery in every possible way. Recovering from a back surgery, from my “mini” work addiction and from my relationship. I was keeping strong and good till few days ago. That day I got stabbed in the back by the peron I thought loved me all my life and said that no matter what ever happend we will be friends. For sure this not friendships but is life.

I was always ready for any sort of attacks but not this time. Well, I’m open and vulnerable right now and I got hurt so much. It’s not right moment for explaining process of what happend but believe me it was very ouch. I took me big bar of chocolate, about ten biscuits, three bottles of sparking water, box of tissues and tons of Otty’s support to start feeling better. I’m smiling again.

Priest Joe Zubricky say if at the end of every day we say “yes” then we going to say the same thing at the end of your life and this is best way we could do it! If we say “no” there is fantastic gift waiting for us…next day to change the answer to “yes”
So, today is new day! Lets start day with smile, say yes to life and good thoughts for today and rest of my new life!

Love Kay ❤️ Xx

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